Dumped or the dumper? Planning on it or trying to get through it? I've been there on both counts many times. I'm here to say what I've learned and what I think helps. I hope it helps you or at least whiles away some time in which you think about yourself and not the UN-significant other. Happy Break-up!Ask me anything Submit
Anonymous said: This week my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me... let me rephrase that, this week my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me... via text message. I was blindsided by this and never saw it coming, he told me he was unhappy and couldn't force himself to be happy anymore. But I had no idea he felt this way. We have had many ups and downs in our relationship but I thought he was the one I would spend my life with. How do I get over his betrayal and move on when all I want is to be with him?
Firstly, I’m sorry to hear that and secondly, what an ass. The lack of respect he has shown for five years of both your lives is shocking. Move on and don’t look back. Men appall me with their ways of dealing with difficult situations.
Now, the hard part. You are probably in so much pain right now, and I can refer you back to my previous articles, even right at the beginning of my blog if you have time to go back. There are many different pieces of advice for you in those early stages.
If you can, get angry. This was an awful way for him to break up with you and you deserve better. Anger moves you on more quickly and will help release some of that raw emotion that you are no doubt feeling.
Try not to consider the five years a waste, you probably both grew as people and have learnt alot about life and love in that time. Put that in a box for now and realise that there is more love and learning in your future, you have to get ready for it.
Do the things you like, treat yourself really well. Go buy something you like, have that chocolate sundae, whatever it is.
Get a new hobby - I repeat this to death but it completely changed me as a person when I got into watersports. I never would have considered it when with a previous boyfriend and it introduced me to some new cool guys who I never would have met otherwise. This was just a great bonus - I also made new friends, had new places to hang out and I got fit. Ticked every box and after a few months I felt like a million dollars. This is why I repeat it to people regularly. I KNOW it works, therapists know it works and this is why it’s in every advice column and blog you’ll see. Try something he would never consider! GROW!
Try to get to acceptance that it’s over. It will probably take a little longer than you’d like but the more positive you are and stronger you convince yourself you are, the better you will feel by day.
At the start, take one day at a time, even by hour if you have to. See how long you can fake feeling happy for, then it gets easier and one day you wake up feeling ok. Then try happy weeks etc… again, the faking it tricks your brain and body and suddenly you’re feeling a whole lot better.
It was a long relationship and you may need more help pouring out your feelings so it could be good to talk to a therapist. Don’t be ashamed of your tried, anger and even denial. It’s all very normal and it’s a process.
I’m sure you’ll get through and I know you will come out better for it. I have, more than once.
Anonymous said: I feel so forgotten. My ex and I stopped talking completely and I just found out they are dating some one else. I feel like I am so easy to replace . I'm trying to move on, I really am. But lately I get so sad about the whole situation
Oh, I’ve been here. He also happened to move on with a friend of mine, and I was expected to be “FINE” about it by mutual friends. I couldn’t discuss it with anyone because it would show I still actually cared and how could I when we hadn’t even spoken in months?
The best thing you can do for yourself is realise that your ex is 100% NOT the one for you. Try and get excited about the possibilities out there. This means that there are others you are meant for, others who will be better for you and to you. It’s a rough part of life and people do move on, some more quickly than others. It hurts like hell.
In conversation with someone last night I was explaining that it’s hard but keep whatever light you have inside you and nurture it. At the end of the day we have friends, lovers, family etc but the only person who can make you feel better is YOU. You actually owe it to yourself to make yourself happier. It’s ok to grieve but try not to let it consume you.
It’s an oft-repeated piece of advice but getting a new hobby helps, for many reasons - you’re learning something new, having new experiences, likely meeting new people and it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR EX. It’s good for that reason alone.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I said I loved you. But what did you do? you broke my heart. Ripped it out of my chest. I thought you were different. But you were just like the rest. But what happens now? What do I do? Are roses still red? Are violets still blue? You meant the whole world to me. But you didn’t care. You left me crying. Left me in despair. Roses are red. And violets are blue. But everything changed. When I lost you.
Anonymous said: Part 1. Hey I'm the person who wrote a month ago about my ex bf breaking up with me cuz his dad told him to. I can say I have moved on and I was fine until yesterday, he called me crying but I started yelling at him again as I felt like he is just..
Yelling is a completely normal reaction and actually quite healthy. You need to get those emotions out. However, if he does call again it’s probably better to be more composed. Let him talk but try not to react, take notes if you have to. If there’s something you really want to say than have it prepared beforehand, try and make it as clear as possible and not too emotional, but please remember that whatever you say, it’s unlikely to change anything here. I’m sure he’s suffering too but he made the choice and he needs to live with it and let you get on with your life.
At the end of the day, maybe he decided not to open up anyway - maybe it wasn’t anything you said on that call. You can’t take responsibility for his actions, only your own. You have to be the best person you can be FOR YOURSELF, no one else looks out for you or has your best interests at heart as much as you. It may be worth telling him that he has to let you breathe and it’s unfair to call and say anything. Please don’t call him.
Also, a month on can often be the most difficult time, because it becomes a reality. Before that, you’re literally just getting through each day and then you realise that this is now your reality, without him. There are definitely hard times. It was very unfair of him to call because it almost resets the clock back to day 1 post-break-up.
But take care, and do let me know if you need any further advice.
Anonymous said: How do you break up with someone you love? I do love my boyfriend, but our relationship isn't fulfilling and I want out. The only time I've had to break up with someone before was an ex who was abusive, and I wasn't overly concerned about their feelings about it. I don't know what to do here - I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be with him any more, and I know that I will have to hurt him to break up with him.
Well, you have to leave, because I know it’s hurts him for you to leave, but staying is worse - he will be angry for a long time.
There are a couple of things that will affect this. Does your boyfriend know that your relationship is not fulfilling? Will this be a huge shock to him? Is there definitely no way of resolving the issues?
Anyhow, you need to pick a moment where nothing else is distracting. Usually after dinner or lunch is a good time and preferably on neutral ground, particularly if you live together - the home is the worst place to do it. A relatively public place, but not too busy as he may be upset afterwards. Make sure he has eaten, because he might be off his food for a bit afterwards! Then, honesty is the best policy. Honesty doesn’t leave much place for the conversation to go and really that’s better off all around. You won’t be scrambling for excuses and they won’t be begging for the truth. In the long run, people get over a relationship quicker when it’s an honest break-up (that’s an actual fact). Also, if it is the end, you need to let him know that it is, you can’t give any false hope. It’s actually worth getting all the hurt in during that break-up conversation than it lingering afterwards. You need to say “I don’t want this anymore and whilst I don’t want to hurt you, I need for both of us to move on and away from each other because this is what we both need, even though I know you don’t agree right now.” You may worry about sounding patronising but it really doesn’t matter when you’re breaking someone’s heart. That’s all they are feeling - and probably shock.
Also, you can’t be friends, at least not initially. Cut contact. Let him find other space and people. It will hurt you too but it’s only fair if you both still have all those feelings - the temptation is always there. He needs you to be strong on the “not friends” front because he probably won’t be, he will have his moments. You’re the one who is ending it, so sadly you have to do all the things which will probably hurt you too but they are for the best, for both of you, in the long run.
I think that’s the key, if he’s honest with himself he will see that this is the best thing for both of you - if you’re not feeling fulfilled and he can’t do anything more about that, then you’re clearly not for eachother.